The Worst KISS Songs of All-Time

My parents have no one to blame but themselves for my infatuation with the rock group, KISS. By sending me to my grandparents' farm every summer, I spent a lot of time with my cousins who were in high school while I was just an elementary school kid. I remember the night I first discovered the artistry of KISS's music - my cousin Mike and two of his buddies were taking me to see the original Batman movie, and they were listening to the latest KISS tape, "Smashes, Thrashes, and Hits". They must have played "Heaven's on Fire" and "Calling Dr. Love" about ten times that night, and on that evening, I became a KISS fan. Granted my parents tried to combat my love for KISS music when they confiscated all of my KISS tapes and CDs in high school because of their influence on me, but the damage was done...I was already a KISS fan.

This coming Saturday night at the Tabernacle in Atlanta, I will get to experience a first in my time as a member of the KISS Army. I will get to see a Paul Stanley solo show. I've seen KISS in concert 5 times, but never Paul Stanley by himself. Paul Stanley is going on his first solo tour since 1989 to support his first solo album since each member of KISS released a solo album on the same day in October 1978. Since I'm dragging my poor wife to this concert and she has voiced her opinion on the quality of KISS's music, I began to ponder just what the ten worst KISS of all-time were. The obvious answer to many would be that they are all terrible, but not to the members of the KISS Army. Many members of the KISS Army would argue that any of the 1980s songs released by KISS are among the worst, but I have an affinity for hair metal, so those songs are not automatically on my list. And just to be fair, none of the songs from any of the 1978 KISS solo albums were considered for this list, because this list would be flooded with Peter Criss songs.

So, I now present the 10 worst KISS songs of all-time:

10. "Hooligan" from the Love Gun album - Peter Criss really didn't want to be a member of KISS. He really wanted to be a poor man's Rod Stewart. His drumming skills leave a lot to be desired, and his solo album showed that he and the rest of the members of KISS were not on the same wavelength. No wonder his stints with the band since the glory days of the 1970s have been so shortlived! But back to "Hooligan"....how do you follow up a great song like "Love Gun" and precede a classic Gene Simmons song like "Almost Human" with a cheesey 1970s pop song? The one line in particular that irks me is - "I went down to the candy store. If I had a nicklel, I'd buy some more." WHAT??? WHAT?? If you really were a hooligan, you'd just steal the damn candy, Peter! If this song wasn't on the Love Gun album, then it would probably be ranked higher (or lower depending on how you look at) on this list, but it is saved by the overall strong work on Love Gun.

9. "Raise Your Glasses" from the Psycho Circus album - I think that KISS did a poor job on naming the Psycho Circus album. It really should have been Trying to Create Cheesy Rock Anthems Circus. Between "I Pledge Allegiance to the State of Rock 'n Roll", "You Wanted the Best", "Psycho Circus", and "Raise Your Glasses", you could tell that KISS was just throwing together an album of fluff to generate more buzz after their reunion tour. Of all the wannabe rock anthems included on the album, "Raises Your Glasses" wins the award for the worst. The song just opens up with pure Paul Stanley cheese - "I took a ride with a one-way ticket. I aimed my arrow at the mark and hit it. We all need to be somebody." What's frightening is that the song only gets worse from there.

8. "All Hell's Breakin' Loose" from the Lick It Up album - Deborah Harry of Blondie started a very bad musical trend when she took a shot at rapping on the classic Blondie track "Rapture". A blonde, white woman rapping about aliens from Mars opened the flood gates for all white rock stars to see if they can keep a beat. Unfortunately, the white rock rapping fever was caught by Paul Stanley when KISS released its first sans makeup album. Lick It Up returned KISS to being a band that actually mattered in the 1980s (at least for a few years), but listening to Paul Stanley talking to a beat (a la the original white rapped Tony Bennett) is one reason that the Lick It Up album stays in its CD case and not actually in my CD player. The line "Hey, hey, have you read the news? All Hell's Breakin' Loose" is pathetic...fortunately for KISS, the unique, apocalyptic video associated with this song gives it some credibility.

7. "Burn Bitch Burn" from the Animalize album - Gene Simmons has never been recognized for his ability to generate witty, creative euphemisms for sex. Unfortunately, for KISS fans, he hit rock bottom in "Burn Bitch Burn".

"Well it's out of the fryin' pan and into the fire
You bent over, baby, and let me be the driver
Just a cut of pink, wouldn't believe me if I told you
But this time you bit off more than you can chew
My my, yeah, just listen to this, babe
I got nasty habits, it's a fine line,
So many girls and so little time
When love rears its head, I wanna get on your case
Ooh baby, wanna put my log in your fireplace"

Did he really say that he wanted to put his log in her fireplace? Did he really talk about a frying pan? Rock 'n roll is about sex...but this is like a junior high kid talking about sex...not a man who has slept with more woman the entire midtown Atlanta male population combined! Those lyrics make Paul Stanley singing about pulling the trigger of his 'love gun' poetry!

6. "Baby Driver" from the Rock 'n Roll Over album - Yet another crappy Peter Criss song on a classic KISS album. It's amazing the lengths that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley had to go to keep Peter Criss happy. Honestly, I'm not even sure that this song is even about...at least on other Peter Criss songs, you can figure out what the theme or motif is...but "Baby Driver" does not seem to have one. At one point in the song, Criss belts out the following verse:

"Nobody knows where you're goin'
Nobody cares where you been
And if you want to hear some stories
Exit girl, we'll let you in"

"Baby Driver" is a song that is going nowhere and no one cares about it...and if I want to hear some stories, I'll hit skip on the CD player to go to a better song on the Rock 'n Roll Over album!

5. "2,000 Man" from the Dynasty album - It is probably blasphemous to put a song written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on any list of worst songs...but when it comes to "2,000 Man", the ranking is undeniably deserved. Typically, I am a big fan of any KISS song featuring Ace Frehley, and I actually enjoy the albums in the late 1970s (Dynasty and Unmasked) where Ace was heavily featured. I realize the infatuation with space that Ace Frehley has always had...so I can tolerate him indulging his space-related fantasies, but this song just goes too far. The song contains all of the 1970s stereotypes of what life would be like in the 21st century ("Well, my name is a number"; "I'm having an affair with a random computer", and other idiotic notions). Even going beyond those stereotypes of the 21st century, the song just doesn't make any sense...and to be honest, is just stupid. The following lyrics should illustrate the stupidity of this song:

"Oh daddy, proud of your planet

Oh mommy. proud of your sun

Oh daddy, your brain's still flashin'"

If anyone reading this blog can explain to me what in the hell Ace Frehley is singing about in those lines, you'll be my new hero.

4. "No, No, No" from the Crazy Nights album - During the late 1980s, it was readily apparent that Gene Simmons was not focused on producing quality KISS albums. In fact, I do not think a focused Gene Simmons would have even let the Hot in the Shade album be released, but prior to that forgettable KISS album, the group released an 80s pop metal album entitled Crazy Nights. While I actually really like the Crazy Nights album, the one song on the album that makes me skin crawl is the Simmons authored "No, No, No"...of course, there is a sweet Bruce Kulick guitar intro, but the lyrics Simmons penned for this son ruin the killer intro. It is almost like Simmons is trying to channel Roger Daltry from the Who song "My Generation" with his stuttering during parts of the song.Too bad that Gene wasn't off working on another movie with Tom Selleck (see the classic "Runaway") when it was time to record "No, No, No".

3. "Cadillac Dreams" from the Hot in the Shade album - Money always seem to be a theme in rock 'n roll. When bands are first starting out, it is very common for them to talk about wanting money. Hell, the excess associated with money is what 80s glam rock was all about! But there is something just a little absurd about a well-established, well marketed band with more cash in the bank than Donald Trump singing about having "Cadillac Dreams". Maybe if KISS had recorded this song in 1975 when each member of KISS was almost anoxeric because they did not have money for food, then this song might not make this Top 10 list...but hearing an over 40 year old Gene Simmons telling us that "Yeah, I want money, money, that's all I need. I got Cadillac Dreams. Hey Mister, you can't take that from me." is beyond ridiculous. Gene doesn't have "Cadillac Dreams" any more than I have dreams about my old 1988 Chevy Celebrity.

2. "Dance All Over Your Face" from the Lick It Up album - If you didn't know what album this song was off of, you'd probably assume it was off the widely disliked KISS disco album, Dynasty. But no, this rocker was released on the Lick It Up. I realize that this is the second song from a highly successfuly KISS album, and I do really like the Lick It Up album, but "Dance All Over Your Face" has to be ranked in the Top 10 worst KISS songs of all-time. I understand what Gene Simmons was trying to accompish with this song...but there are better ways to voice your displeasure about a woman cheating on (see Ted Nugent's classic "Strangehold") than to sing the following lines:

"Yes, I saw you with another man
And you put me in disgrace, so
Dance, dance all over your face
I'm going dance all over your face"

That sounds like something you'd hear Gloria Gaynor belting out in a 1970s disco. This is coming from the mouth of the man who created glam rock...the man who spit blood....the man who plays a battleax bass....the man who has slept with over 10,000 women...the man we all know as "The Demon"! Gene Simmons cannot talk about dancing...period, ever!


1. Any song on the Music from the Elder album - This entire album is a tragedy...not only was this the first KISS album to fail to earn any record certification in the United States, but this was the last record featuring Ace Frehley. The fact that KISS even recorded a 'concept' album is what is beyond belief. I think Gene Simmons summed up this album the best when he said: "As a KISS album, I'd give it a zero. As a bad Genesis record, I'd give it a two." Freakin' Lou Reed was a co-writer of the only single from the album ("A World Without Heroes"). To go even further than having the audacity to have Lou Reed contribute to a KISS album, Anton Fig also played a larger role in the creation of this concept album...and yes, that Anton Fig...the one who was the drummer on David Letterman for years. If you really want to punish yourself, you can read more about this collosal blunder in KISS-tory here. Take my advice...just accept that this whole album sucks and go listen to the Destroyer album.